Shakespeare’s Lost Masterpieces, Part 1
“Ho, Raynard! What tidings?”
“A beast, my lord. Tall and toothless as a Maltish hag and teetering, it was. And yellow as the banana.”
“A giraffe? In this land? What cursed enchantment be this?”
“Nay, my lord. No giraffe, but an armadillo on stilts.”
And for My Next Trick…
Elgin stared at the handsaw, then peered back out at the audience in the darkened, smoke-filled gallery.
‘Join a magic show,’ Ralph had said. ‘You can always find work at a magic show.’ Being pulled out of a hat six nights a week? How bad could that be?
Only after he had signed the contract had they mentioned anything about being sawn in half.
Gone Too Far
The sun continued to blaze down. Unexpectedly, his ear began to itch. ‘Funny,’ he thought, ‘how you only feel the little things now.’
He shut his eyes a moment — but no, he remained beyond pain. ‘King of the Armadillos…’ he thought, not quite bitterly. It had been flattering at first. But then, eventually, he had begun believing in it himself.
And one last time, he wondered whether things had not, perhaps, gone just a bit too far.
Novelty T-Shirt, 1
Deadly Sins, 3: Delusion
The Training, Part 1
“So, young Belt-Back, you too wish to learn the ways of the warrior. To charge into battle bearing the three-handed pike. To fathom the fathomless secrets of the flaming hamster attack. To wallow in the blood of the hedgehogs you have slain. Oh, we shall see, young Belt-Back. We shall see.”
“Oh,” cried the villagers, “the Evil Armadillo Rider approaches! Whoever shall help us? Whoever shall save us!”
All of the bullies from school ran and hid in the bramble bushes.
Then Lispy Petey stepped forward. “I shall shave you!” he lisped. “I shall shave you all!”
And all of the villagers cheered, “Hooray for Lispy Petey! Hooray for Lispy Petey!”
